fuck my birthday. I hate this.

Frodo is such a polygamist.

FUCK YOU LOTR SOUNDTRACK I'M GONNA PUNCH YOU IN THE BALLS SO HARD THEY'LL COME OUT YOUR BUTT.

This is the part where they have some kind of Bryan Adams song during the credits to drive everyone out of the theater.

Harps can gallop, if they want to.

I can't be happy when I listen to Megadeth because it fills me with so much Mustaine rage.

Once there was a pimple on my elbow. It was weird/gross/I thought I was gonna die.

HOLD UP THAT CAN OF CHICKPEAS LIKE IT'S JESUS.

Hufhk. Bitch.

Smell my keyboard, SMELL IT.

Salted knees are miserable knees.

Drinking water is pretty much cannibalism.

Don't you dare bajangle me, young man. Why, back in my day, it was illegal to bajangle one's acquaintances in public.

Move your afro to the beat.

Patrick McGoohan was the king of the furrowed brow, I mean, look at this, he doesn't even have any eyebrows he furrows them so much. (LOL I LIKE WATCHING OLD TELEVISION SERIES)

Sugar lumps binoculars.

Oh Luanne, don't you go down to Oklahoma, with your red hayer in them curlers. I know you're packin' up your old broken down trailer, and bringin' your spanish guitar. Please don't go to Oklahoma. Sing about Darleen.

Stallion-in-gut syndrome, more commonly referred to as SIGS, it affects us all.

Hmm, kleenex bathrobes, you sure do know how to live sexy.

LIVIN' ON THE EDGE LIKE A STUDMUFFIN.

As a child I coughed up a lung and made it into a balloon animal.

Fat people should be jumped upon, like bouncy castles.

PENETRATION WITH COLOURING PENCILS. YOU'LL PISS RAINBOWS. EVERYDAY. UNTIL YOU'RE 68.

Fuck yo asparagus soup!

Goddamn Novalee! Go piss on a log for Chrast's sake!

Knee bandanas are specially designed to cut of the blood circulation to your legs so you can do a funky dance.

WHOA RAINBOW HOES.





(I was gonna post this last night but I didn't so there)

Shut up, there's no fucking life after death, you fucking cowards.

Stop trying to make yourselves immortal.










(Serious, sorry sorry sorry! This is ramblings at night, not funny shit I say when I'm tired at night)

They should make a Pokemon move called Dick Punch. It'd be super effective on fucking EVERYTHING.

This is where aunt Frank fell through the duck pond whilst skating.

Fuck it, I'm going to grandma's house.

Every time a bell rings, an angel FALLS TO HELL.

PAUL DI'ANNO used Cocaine! It's super effective! STEVE HARRIS is confused! STEVE HARRIS used Kick Paul out of the band because he does drugs! PAUL DI'ANNO fled!

Only when he takes of his prosthetic leg, does Jeremy Gilbert the III really start to party.

You know what? I love you, lets go play hackysack.

In between my glasses are small shards of grapefruit.

THEY'VE TAKEN THE TAPIRS.

So you're telling me my buttcheeks are identical twins? Crazy!

Luckily, they only amputated my entire body.

No, I will not caress your ankles.

Only in the dead of the night does Paperclipman step out from the shadows to do his dirty work.

There's a rake in my boot.

Don't look at me, you're the one with five buttcheeks!

Silence! Or I shall strike you with this tissue paper!

The holes in my socks are actually a portal to a new dimension, hello, I'd like to buy a hamburger? Five pounds fifty? That's ridiculous. It appears even my sock has a different currency.

I hope Les Claypool wears a jetpack when I see him and Primus in concert.

There's six old men and a monster on my door.

Look at this pipe cleaner, it is nearly as impressive as my d... duck.

One day I'm going to go on a bus with a huge boombox upon one shoulder playing smooth jazz. Also I'll tell people this is what they played at Iron Maiden.

Contrary to popular belief, people thought it was one thing but it was, in fact, another. How's that for brainfuck.

Too this day I have never seen a cornstarch biscuit as beautiful as you.

Burritos, burritos, burritos with libidos.

That nazi hooker broke my glasses!

You know what you are? Your a stillborn! An orphan stillborn. An adopted orphan stillborn.

Arma-geddon-dillos. Fucking brutal.

First I was like whoa, then I was like whoaa, and THEN I was like who forgot to turn the stove off?

In my old Harry Potter computer games Dumbledore sounds like a chain smoker.

An instant cinematic classic! A Rock Does Something. A suspenseful thriller that will keep your attention until the last minute. SURPRISE TWIST ENDING. (Caution, Spoilers) After watching a rock sitting on the grass for 180 minutes, the rock never does anything.

Primo buffalo gigolo steak. 7.50$ a slab, seasoned with Parmesan.

Yeah, I'm in a skiffle band, you pretty much shouldn't fuck with us.

Sometimes I feel like waiting for a movie to download illegally is like waiting for two fourth graders to steal you a bag of Lays from a corner store.

My troubles started when you spilled the popcorn. That really was the descent of our relationship.

One second, just let me tuck my pants into my socks to keep my ankles warm before we battle these samurais.

Bitch get away from my baby corn salad or I will FUCK YOU UP.

What is this is looks like some soap for my butt cushions, if you know what I’m saying.

Look at this camera, it looks like a fucking car door, all red, Like Iron Man, my camera is Tony Stark, bitch.

CDs look like flattened doughnut mirrors.

I just threw up out my belly button.

One day I’m going to buy a car and put fridge magnets ALL THE FUCK OVER IT.

Every day, a tuna casserole dies.

Only you can stop paper airplanes.

Your face looks like a dick, only your chin looks more like an iguana.

MY CARPET DOES COCAINE.

Saw an iguana and I JIZZED IN MY PANTS

Sonny, you better get yo ass back out there and start herding them sea monkeys.

No I will not, as you say, “get with” your automan. He’s just not my type.

MY ASCOT BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD AND THEY’RE LIKE DAMN RIGHT IT’S FULL OF LARD.

These goldfish fins tickle my phalanges.

I don’t care if you show up late for your mom’s birthday, I just want to make sure that you save all those orphans from that burning whale.

The letter L is a total pedophile.

Steve Harris and my dad should totally have a beer together and talk about Jethro Tull, and then go golfing. Which is weird because my Dad hates golfing and I don’t think Steve Harris is to fond of it either. Either way they should be homiez 4 lyf.

Hello my name is Alfonzo, the fabled stripper mender.

Step back or I’ll give you a wiffle.

I just hit a baby seal with another baby seal, ten points to Hufflepuff.

Basically, to start off, this blog is about the weird shit that pops into my head when I'm too exhausted to think in full sentences. One day I started writing down the random things that came into my mind, and I came up with some pretty weird crap.
This is for entertainment purposes only, I guess. Non of this stuff is to be taken seriously.